Perhaps you are like me and you often would like to insult someone, but you also find yourself in the uncomfortable situation of being in a role or context, where insulting someone is considered uncouth, or perhaps even immoral. This poses a quandary, because, let’s face it, some people are just so stupid that it would be stupid not to insult them in some way. Perhaps the only solution to this problem is the classy insult system, found on the interwebz by one of my sharp-dressed readers named John Drury (who I believe is related to me in some way.)
Classy Insult System
"Stay classy, Thou gleeking elf-skinned dewberry." - Wm. Shakespeare
The Classy Insult System is simple. Each of the following adjectives and nouns have been culled from the works of Shakespeare. There’s nothing classier than an awareness of the texts of the great British Bard. To insult some spleeny rump fed moldwarp do what I just did: spleeny is from the first column, a word the Bard used to describe someone in Henry VIII. You then add the second word, and the final noun to complete a taunting trifecta! For added effect, place the word “Thou” before the phrase. And remember to stay classy, even when insulting some currish beef-witted coxcomb.
[highlight class=”highlight_yellow” style=””]So, how about you? What’s your favorite combination? Feel free to insult me in the comments in a classy manner.[/highlight]Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 artless base-court apple-john bawdy bat-fowling baggage beslubbering beef-witted barnacle bootless beetle-headed bladder churlish boil-brained boar-pig cockered clapper-clawed bugbear clouted clay-brained bum-bailey craven common-kissing canker-blossom currish crook-pated clack-dish dankish dismal-dreaming clotpole dissembling dizzy-eyed coxcomb droning doghearted codpiece errant dread-bolted death-token fawning earth-vexing dewberry fobbing elf-skinned flap-dragon froward fat-kidneyed flax-wench frothy fen-sucked flirt-gill gleeking flap-mouthed foot-licker goatish fly-bitten fustilarian gorbellied folly-fallen giglet impertinent fool-born gudgeon infectious full-gorged haggard jarring guts-griping harpy loggerheaded half-faced hedge-pig lumpish hasty-witted horn-beast mammering hedge-born hugger-mugger mangled hell-hated joithead mewling idle-headed lewdster paunchy ill-breeding lout pribbling ill-nurtured maggot-pie puking knotty-pated malt-worm puny milk-livered mammet qualling motley-minded measle rank onion-eyed minnow reeky plume-plucked miscreant roguish pottle-deep moldwarp ruttish pox-marked mumble-news saucy reeling-ripe nut-hook spleeny rough-hewn pigeon-egg spongy rude-growing pignut surly rump-fed puttock tottering shard-borne pumpion unmuzzled sheep-biting ratsbane vain spur-galled scut venomed swag-bellied skainsmate villainous tardy-gaited strumpet warped tickle-brained varlot wayward toad-spotted vassal weedy unchin-snouted whey-face yeasty weather-bitten wagtail
From henceforth Thou art a artless boil-brained codpiece…..wow that was way fun…i am gonna try this everywhere I go today!! Thanks!!
Yes it’s improving Wednesday much, you unmuzzled fen-sucked fustilarian. (I had to google that last one just to make sure it wasn’t too far)
Reeky rump-fed Pignut. Ok…that was amazing! I felt guilty just opening the page…Now, I just feel….amazing!
Yes, I felt guilty writing it too. Briefly.
Thanks for the comment, you saucy, clapper-clawed lout.
Saucy was one of my favs. It just brings something fresh to the noun.
What a cockered boil-brained canker blossom. I like this!
I like it too, Thou yeasty, folly-fallen joithead!
The Classy Insult System seems to be fully rolled out. I’ve been receiving texts and tweets which are simultaneously insulting while also classy. Keep em coming. Today I cut off a guy on Nebraska street on my way to the hospital and the offended gentlemen yelled out the window: “How dare thee cut me off, thou mewling crook-pated mammet!” Well played, sir.
[This may get out of hand]
Okay, here goes. Do you have nothing better to do than be a beslubbering beetle-headed person who takes pleasure spouting off at the mouth like a boar-pig and utters only miscreant thoughts and words!!
Wow that was fun. I’m printing out that list!! Thanks for sharing that David!!
You mangled motley-minded measle. Ah, I feel better.
In honor of your homage to aliteration, I’ll reply by raising the stakes with alphabetic alliteration, you artless bat-fouling canker-blossom.
Of course, you could always go more theological and direct by using the words of Luther…
http://ergofabulous.org/luther/?
I’m sorry, RJ, you wayward rude-growing harpy, but I must point out that the original context of Shakepeare’s use of the word “spleeny” (see above) was in Henry VIII where a Lutheran is in fact insulted, saying: “yet I know her for A spleeny Lutheran; and not wholesome to Our cause.”
🙂
PS – love the site… perhaps I’ll switch to Luther next Wednesday
My daughter Lauren & I have had a blast with this!! I think our favorite so far is:
Thou frothy flap-mouthed footlicker! Lol!! We’re 4 hours behind you in Alaska, so we have plenty of time left in our day to play! HA!
Happy Wednesday! =)
HA! I love this. Thanks!
At Furr’s Cafeteria I always get stuck behind some puking, full-gorged clotpole. I used to think I had to be nice about it, but sometimes ya just gotta call it what it is!
Well said, you unmuzzled guts-griping haggard
I used to use this with my eighth graders when we were studying plays; Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night in particular. They always LOVED being able to create a crisis situation and hurl insults at each other while learning how to write dialogue. Thanks for the fun today!!!!
Wonderful, I love that you are bringing “classy” back.
You pribbling pottle-deep puttock! You wrote a great article – this guide will be handy for days to come.